Post-Partum & Anxiety - My Story of Anxiety so far

Thursday, 12 April 2018



Sometimes I'm not even sure where to begin when I think about anxiety and the impact it has had on my life, mostly because it has affected me in so many ways. I guess the first time I actually knew I had anxiety was the summer of going into high school, and I had this over whelming feeling I couldn't shake, it was like I had done something wrong but I couldn't narrow down what that was. It became so bad I not only cried myself to sleep on several occasions, because I legit thought I was nuts, but I had stopped eating. Anxiety was slowly turning into depression for me and I had no idea why or how to stop this feeling. 
Fast forward a few years when I was in high school, that year was the first time I had tried to smoke weed (had a major panic attack and swore I'd never do it again), I had tried drinking and it honestly felt like it had helped me! For sometime I would use drinking as a crutch, which we all know doesn't end well. I had gone through a very difficult opioid addiction after I was in a car accident with an ex boyfriend, and thats a whole story on its own but it became a coping mechanism for the anxiety I always felt.  
Before I got pregnant I had been very fit and in a very healthy state of mind, which made me feel the best I had ever felt. I swear that the gym saved my life, not only did I feel strong, I looked good but most importantly I wasn't plagued with anxiety anymore. It was the first time in years that I was able to remain drug-free (anti-anxiety medications/SSRI's), and I could maintain that feeling without outside help. 
During this time we planned on having a baby, selling our condo in Toronto and buying a home north of the city. Even thou it was my dream to be a mom, the moment I found out I was pregnant was still very hard emotionally for me. I worried and stressed about every little thing, and very early on I had a few mental breakdowns because I began to feel anxious again and became very depressed this time. I finally made the decision to talk to my doctor about it, which became apparent that I needed to be on some kind of medication for the sake of my mental health. My medical team and I talked about the pros, cons and how the benefits outweighed the risks of taking an anti-depressant while pregnant. In my situation taking that specific medication (setraline) was a necessary next step to preventing any further issues, more specifically my medical team was concerned with postpartum depression. 
I was pregnant and in my second trimester when I was diagnosed with gallstones, and I think it made me feel a loss of control. To anyone who has anxiety knows that the feeling of having no control in your life has tremendous repercussions to keeping anxiety at bay.  I found that I had an unusual amount of energy in my third trimester, and began working out. I had bought myself a yoga pass and started going with a friend, which made me feel like myself again. 

My daughter was born on February 18th 2018, very healthy and scoring 9/9 on the Apgar scale. One of the known side effects of taking a (SSRI) Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibuter is withdrawals for a newborn. In our case Baby P did not show any signs of withdrawal until 48 hours after she was born and her breathing became a little faster. Thankfully that was resolved without medication, and her oxygen levels were just monitored for two more days. 
I felt a mix of emotions after she was born. I was happy, sad and had major mom guilt for putting her through any kind of trouble. I texted several of my friends, one who was on anti-depressants and pregnant as well and it felt good to get re-assurance that this was the best thing for myself and my baby. The following days after we came home, I felt like I was in a trance. I felt the happiest I have ever felt in my life, I was so in love with my child it was unreal. For the next four weeks it was constant, and I kept expecting a crash but it never happened. Then last week I started noticing my anxiety returning, and slowly feeling more and more like a panic attack. 
I feel an overwhelming since of frustration, I'm hot and cold, and I overthink and worry especially at night. I worry that I am not a good enough mom, and let what people say get to me (I never did before). I have also felt like my heart was going to explode, and had a hard time catching my breath.
I am still taking Setratline, at the same dose I was when I had my daughter and I have booked an appointment to see my doctor.

 I wanted to write this because I know a lot of other new moms find it hard to diagnose that Post-Partum Anxiety is a real thing. We are so consumed with the thought of having Post-Partum Depression, that the anxiety aspect is often over looked. I am certain that my anxiety and depression will be a life long battle. It will be something I constantly think about, but it doesn't have to run my life. There are so many things you can do if you have anxiety at any point in your life, what I should have done sooner was reach out for help. I should have made an appointment earlier to talk to someone in the medical field because it made a huge difference. I need to trust myself more when it comes to the limitations I have as a result of being diagnosed with anxiety, especially in social situations. I hope this story encourages even one person to seek help because it is perfectly normal to experience these feelings, and know that there is a light at the end! 

An estimated 1 out of every 6 women and 1 out of every 10 men experiences troubling depression or anxiety after the birth or adoption of a child. This is referred to as postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD/A) and can be a tremendously stressful time for the family. PPD/A is often characterized by despondency, emotional instability, anger, guilt, tearfulness, worrying, anxious thoughts or images, feelings of inadequacy and the inability to cope. It may occur shortly after the arrival of a new baby or many months later. For some, symptoms may begin in pregnancy. If you are experiencing any symptoms, and your youngest child is younger than three years old, please call. You are not alone - Click here for more information.

Penelope at 6 weeks

Friday, 6 April 2018



I cannot believe I have been a mommy now for 6 weeks, and sometimes it feels like she has been with us for a lot longer than that. She amazes me more and more every single day. I love the way she looks at her dad when he lays with her in the evenings, and the way she cries for me when she’s hungry. There are so many things that have changed for us, and I couldn’t be more happier with our little family. There are many times when we think about her growing up and think about when we can put her in hockey, or what university we’re going to put her in and the trips we can all take as a family… but then I think how fleeting these newborn moments are. I feel even more passionate about being in the moment, and observing every second I can (I recently started filming her first weeks). I know a schedule isn’t for everyone, but I am someone who NEEDS routine. I have included our attempt at a routine with a newborn, because we all know a 6 week old baby doesn’t really have a routine yet but it doesn’t mean us as parents cant have one. 

HOW WELL DO WE SLEEP?
Two days ago Penelope slept for 6 hours for the first time! We couldn’t believe what time it was when she woke up. However, she usually sleeps in 4 hour stretches now. Our sleeping arrangements are either having her sleep in her ‘Dock-A-Tot’, or in a side-laying nursing position at night (completely safe of course). She loves to sleep in her Zipadee-Zip sleep sac, which also makes us feel better that she won’t be able to scratch her face at night. 

HOW IS BREASTFEEDING GOING?
We are now exclusively breastfeeding, and I have been taking “Fenugreek“ and drinking Mama’s Milk Tea for just over a week now, and I swear it works. I have been able to pump 3 oz each side! We took one night off breast feeding for a girlfriends birthday party so mama can have a glass of wine or two and honestly I hated every second of it. All I wanted  was to be with my baby, feeding her. 

HOW MUCH DOES SHE WEIGH AND HOW LONG IS SHE?
She is already 9 lbs 12oz (at birth she was 6lbs 13oz), and I can not believe how fast she went through her ‘premie’ outfits. Her newborn ones are going to be too small very soon. Penelope had her final midwife visit today, and is “thriving” and healthy! She is measuring 55 inches now (52 inches at birth). 
HOW DO I FEEL NOW?
The first few weeks I was on a high! I have never in my life felt so happy, and so in love. That feeling is definitely still there, just I am a little more aware of reality now. I have been so happy and tired all at the same time, but we’re doing great. I love being her mommy more than I have ever loved anything in my entire existence.  

WHAT WE WANT TO ACCOMPLISH AS PARENTS?
Tony and I agree on almost everything when it comes to parenting, and what our goals are as parents. It has only been 6 weeks, but we have established a very good routine that I believe will benefit her for her entire life. We co-sleep, breastfeed and have lots of mommy, daddy, baby-skin-to-skin time. 

HOW HAS OUR RELATIONSHIP CHANGED?
I think as new parents everyone goes through a million emotions and sometimes being tired catches up to you. We have bickered a few times, but for the most part we are both so content and in love with our little baby and each other, that we find ways to fall in love with each other and our new roles as parents every day. However, we do have our moments and just like any other new parent it can be hard with hormones, scheduling and time for ourselves. I never doubt that we will be just fine as our family grows more in the coming years. 

OUR SCHEDULE 
7:30 - 8: My wakeup call is Penelope needing to feed, and we usually start our day together. During the week daddy leaves for work, and on weekend we lay in bed together and talk to her. 

9-10: She lays awake with us in bed, or I sit her in her chair while I get ready for the day. 

11:00: She usually needs another feed, followed by a nap.  

2-3:00: Repeats a feed, and a nap.

5-7:00: Start our night time routine that we begin with spending it doing tummy time, or laying with daddy who watches sports while I cook and clean. 

8-9:00: Bath time (which is her favourite), followed by a baby massage and she gets in her sleep sack and she’s ready to be nursed and put to bed. 

11:00: Wakes up wanting to be fed, and put back to bed. 

3:00 am: Wakes up to be fed and put back to bed.   

5:00 am: Will wake up one more time before we start our morning again. 


Our First VLOG!

Monday, 26 March 2018

I am so proud of myself for actually sticking to my plan. I wanted to film as much as possible for Penelope, and wanted to be creative at the same time. I watched so many inspirational videos and decided to start with "A Week in my Life" vlog first, and maybe I can start to do updates later on. Being a new stay at home mom, I found myself bored (creatively speaking). I needed to find something that can keep me stimulated creatively, and what better way then to pick up the camera and document my child's life. 



Thanks for watching! Its been so much fun filming and putting it together, and I honestly have so much plans to make the future videos awesome!



Penelope's First Month - 1 month update

Friday, 23 March 2018


Here we are, officially one month old! It has been a month of first’s; first bath, first tummy time, first upset stomach, first time sleeping in your crib and those are just the first's of many others to come. Penelope my sweet daughter, has had her first upset tummy that we think it might be a formula allergy thats causing constipation, a facial rash and fussy eating. My poor girl there is nothing worse then seeing your newborn baby in so much discomfort. 

I honestly feel so lucky to have such an extraordinary baby. She is so serene, and very at peace with everything from bath time, to road trips.
Most nights Tone and I spend the evenings together on the couch usually watching hockey or some sports show, we take turns holding our bundle of joy, she’s our source of our happiness. Its those nights that we talk about how much we love where our life is, and Tony usually proclaims that he always knew that this would happen.  

This past week we saw our midwife for a monthly check in, and weighed Penelope at 8lbs 13oz. She is eating, pooping and peeing perfectly (anyone with a newborn knows that is the tell tale sign that everything is okay). 
Anyway our first month has come and gone with our darling Penelope, and it couldn’t be more perfect in anyway. 

P.S 
Apparently daddy Tony has a hidden talent of getting fussy babies to bed real quick.. well maybe just our fussy baby.

Farmhouse Bedroom Reno

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

|| INSPIRATION ||


We bought our house this past November, and since we moved in I have been toying with the plan to redesign the painters beige walls and to eliminate the echoey, bare walls. The only problem was that I was very much pregnant, even thou I was in full nesting mode Tony had made sure I wasn't in here painting the walls and inhaling unnecessary fumes. 

So, the itch remained unscratched so to say.. and I turned to Pinterest to fill that need. I'm glad I waited because I knew I wanted barn board somewhere but I didn't know which shade, or what colour our three other bedroom walls would be.  I am slowly picking out all the decor that will turn my average room, into the bedroom of my dreams. 

|| BEFORE ||

I needed to find a style that fit with our environment, that took notice of the beautiful place we call home and let it influence the decor. I came up with the Farmhouse style, which is very much on trend and I love its simplicity.  Over the next few months, we will be beginning to transform each room of our house and I honestly am so excited! I love that we bought this house, it feels exactly like a home should feel like. I thought I would share some of the style inspirations, decor items I buy and the progress pictures. 


|| DECOR ||


Review of Boons, Grass drying rack.

Sunday, 18 March 2018




  I actually saw this the first time at Walmart, and it caught my eye but I didn’t end up buying it. Then a few days later I was watching a youtuber named Tara Henderson, who’s mom style I seriously love and she had the it for her two girls. I could not get it out of my head after that, because the more I thought about it the more I questioned why I was using the same drying rack I used for the rest of my dishes. It made more work for me drying the bottles with my other dishes because I always felt like I needed to disinfect them every time and it was a lot more work for a mommy with a newborn. I obviously bought it as soon as I could get to the store, and honestly I don’t know why I didn’t get it the first time! I think because I couldn’t picture how in the world the grass would look in my house… but after seeing it in her home I thought it looked really adorable. That's the reason I love this product, because in reality you could go out and get a standard drying rack from Walmart or a dollar store and it would do the same thing but it wouldn't look as good. Since your going to be using it every single day, I would rather get something that I will actually like to look at.  


    The top piece of grass has lots of room for drying parts of the bottles, and the bottom is where the water collects and comes apart so it can be easily cleaned. Boon also makes a larger drying rack called The Lawn, and another version called The Patch. The other fun thing about Boon, is that they make drying rack accessories that looks like flowers for drying nipples and utensils which makes it look so adorable on your kitchen table. I have not had any problems with this drying rack, and would defiantly be buying the flower accessories that go with it. The drying rack comes in white, if that suits your style more. 

**This is not a paid review, and is solely my opinion of this product.  

Mom & Baby Daily Style Diary: March 16th 2018

Friday, 16 March 2018



On Baby: Currently out of stock but this Dress is really cute, Headband 

Hey guys! I got asked so many times where I've been finding all her dresses lately, because it is hard to find really cute things like dresses for newborns. I found this at Walmart! it was on sale for $6 and I couldn't resist buying it to put her in it for Easter.   
My style on the other hand has done a full revamp since being pregnant. When I was pregnant I refused to buy myself anything that wasn't a total necessity. So post-partum I am finally feeling more like myself and wanted to start wearing cute outfits again. I went out and bought myself these Hunter Boots and I have literally wore them everyday! I basically live in these leggings, and who can resist a cute denim shirt. 




My Breastfeeding Journey: Low Breast Milk Supply

Tuesday, 13 March 2018

** My breastfeeding journey is a series that will be written every Tuesday, in hopes of reducing the stigma of breastfeeding, formula feeding and simply feeding. My hope is that being transparent with the struggles of feeding my newborn that us mothers can stop mom shaming, and mom guilt. 



When I was younger and would picture my future family, and I was always breast feeding my babies. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would be exclusively breast feeding when I had my baby girl. It wasn't until she was actually born, I realized how little I knew about breastfeeding. Tony and I didn't really read any baby books, mostly because we believed that for the most part being a parent would come naturally. I do have books like, "what to expect, when expecting" even though I have the basic idea of nursing, its proved that its nothing like getting in there and actually learn how to do it yourself.

Penelope was born a perfect eater, she was placed on my chest right after my midwife delivered her and she latched immediately. The midwife and nurse were ecstatic, they told us they don't see a lot of newborn babies that have no problems with feeding.

Penelope had been born jaundice and had a minor breathing issue that needed to be monitored in the NICU.  She was there for three days and I was discharged, which her NICU nurses had then given her formula as a substitute for my milk because I was sent home and couldn't be there all night to feed her. It was so hard leaving her, and I felt like I had failed and the mom guilt set in.  There we're benefits to giving her formula at the time and the biggest one was that it contained a higher amount of vitamin D which was one of the reasons we managed to decrease the jaundice levels so quick. However, because Penelope was away from me and not breast feeding every one to two hours my milk supply suffered, and I realized that the first night we brought her home. The first night at home with our new baby, was a struggle. We were awake all night, baby was so hungry she couldn't sleep and I couldn't give her enough milk! I wasn't producing nearly enough milk, and I felt horrible. I was so exhausted when morning rolled around, and I gave in. As soon as Tony woke up he went to the store, and bought formula. I felt defeated, and like a failure. I felt like I couldn't provide my child with the essential to live. I filled the tub and cried by myself that morning, little did I know not taking care of myself was really hurting my baby's chance of drinking my breastmilk.


The top reasons your milk may not come in are:
1. Stress 
2. Lack of sleep 
3. Being away from your baby, or not pumping enough. 
4. Not drinking enough water

All of these, and many other factors can directly affect the amount of your milk supply. That night I was already awake for what felt like 5 days, (my labour was 4 days) and I had probably only slept a few hours here and there. I was physically, and mentally exhausted and my body was telling me to stop and to take care of myself. It's like when your on a plane and the stewardess is going through the emergency procedures, "You put the mask on yourself first, and then put a mask on your child" because you are no help to your child if you cant breathe. 

I am so grateful for my parents, especially my mom who watched and formula fed bottles to Penelope while I slept. I had a visit the next day from my midwife, and she said to keep going and baby will know how to increase my supply. Usually the baby cluster feeds for the first week or so, feeding every hour or two. As exhausting as cluster feeding is, it ensures you get your milk supply increasing so that the baby can get enough to grow. The advice I was give was to keep pumping every few hours, to feed her as much as I can and perhaps the most important thing I could do for her was to REST! 






52 Weeks: 11/52

Monday, 12 March 2018

11/52

Penelope: Finally not minding bath time, you can tell by the look on her face


Penelope: Her first time seeing your doggy mobile above her head, and watching her smile at them. I think she likes watching it.

Playing catch up on the 52 week challenge. Which is a photo of my family every week of the year, and I of course started a little late but I really wanted a way to capture my daughter and our life with her in a creative way.

Baby Milestones: Weeks 1 - 2



I know when I was pregnant I loved weekly updates, but I never got the chance to do them every week like I had hoped. So now that she is here, I am making sure I keep a journal of her development and milestones. 

Week 1 
Baby Development: 
This week she (day 6) she was already over her birth weight which was 6lbs 13oz, and weighed 7lbs 5oz.  Her umbilical cord is still attached, but a big piece did fall off and we were able to take the clip off.

1 week old baby milestones 
Baby has had several “outings” to get her Jaundice levels checked at the hospital already. We have settled in at home, and are working on a routine. 

1 week old baby food
Baby girl is breast feeding, and drinking formula as well. Since she was in the NICU for 3 days with Jaundice and breathing issues there were sometimes I was unable to breast feed her, and the nurses gave her formula. I wasn’t producing enough milk when we did bring her home, I felt so horrible and her dad had to run out and get her the Enfamil formula. This formula was the exact one she was getting while in the NICU and it also provides the newborn with DHA, but more importantly it contains extra vitamin D which is used to cure jaundice in children. 
In two days her Jaundice levels dropped from 270 to 170 which is a substantial drop and had to be rechecked because they thought there was a mistake. There was no mistake Penelope just needed you be at home with her family, I did a lot of skin to skin, she had natural light and a mix of breast and formula feedings. (I will go into more detail about our experience with Jaundice and breathing issues later). 

Feeding and Sleep
Penelope has had several nights of cluster feeding and sleepless nights, which were very long. I was so tired during the day, which is of course when she slept and we had appointments so I couldn’t join her in taking naps. 

Week 2 
2 Week old baby development
She has had a growth spirt this week, I noticed her clothes aren’t fitting her like they did the week before. So I’ve been trying to use all of her newborn clothes now and take as many pictures as possible and videos because she is growing so fast it feels like. 

2 week old baby milestones 
Early this week her little umbilical cord fell of. My mom saved it, just like she saved mine and my sisters. This means no more sponge baths and she can now have a real bath with mommy and daddy. 
(Insert picture) 
She can now see anywhere from 8 - 12 inches away from her face. There is also a lot of dreaming happening, and I wonder what she dreams about? We watch her sometimes, she smiles, frowns and looks like she’s going to cry when she’s dreaming. 

Feeding and Sleeping 
Feeding is happening around the clock lately. A few times this week she did sleep almost 3 hours between feedings which was amazing for me. 
This week we can start putting her on her tummy, in just two or three short sessions. 

My favourite Tuesday ever.

Tuesday, 6 March 2018

This is the look that melts my heart, and the sweet face that we would do anything in this world for. 

Finally bought myself these new boots. Its perfect for where we live (the middle of no where), and they are apart of my new mom uniform.

 I love how much my mom loves my daughter. I had the best childhood and the worlds most amazing parents, and it means so much to me to give them a granddaughter to love the way they loved me and my sister. 

 The majority of today where she slept... as she normally does. I'm experimenting with what works the best to get her sleeping more during the night. I will share it all soon! 

This is our new "Office", the comfy couch where I am writing this from, feed from, read from and eat from. This is perfectly situated between the kitchen and the bathroom, and far enough from the bedrooms so that we can let other's sleep until we really need them. 





Its Tuesday, the day Penelope received her first bit of mail. The day her long form birth certificate arrived and her SIN number…a Canadian Welcome package of sorts. The Tuesday, where my sweet child was actually awake for more than a quarter of the day, and I’m hoping this is also the night that our Penny will actually sleep more than an hour through-out the night. Those round the clock feedings are governed by the amount of time it takes her to feed, digest and become thirsty again for more boob juice. Even though most newborn babies are awake all night and sleep all day, it is not good for babies to sleep for long periods of time because your baby needs to feed often to grow and develop. So as a new mommy, concealer and large double double's from Tim Horton’s are my new best friends. 
On this particular Tuesday, Penelope has smiled more than she has ever before, she has been grunting more which tells me she is working on those bowl movements. Helping baby by gently rubbing her tummy, or doing bicycle movements with her legs helps get that poo on the move.
This Tuesday evening was our first time at “Caring for you Newborn”, a local Early Years program to help support new mommy’s and their newborn babies. It was great talking to other mom’s and of course hearing from the nurse and other women how beautiful Penelope is, and also how impressed they were with her latching “skills” at such an early age! Guess she is just like her father and me, were a family of foodies! 
This is probably the last Tuesday, my parents will be staying with us for a while. They are leaving a week before our flight leaves to the Dominican Republic. Both my parents have been nothing short of amazing, and have given me the support I so desperately needed especially since Tony is back to work this week. My mom (who I can not thank enough), is my saviour in so many ways. She wakes up with me at 3 am, when she’s super tired and will tell me to go to sleep while she makes P a bottle and rocks her to bed. Those extra 3-4 or sometimes 5 hours are WONDERFUL!  Sleep deprivation is very real, and without that support to get at least to REM sleep your ability to think and cope with life drops dramatically and as I’ve recently learnt so does your milk supply. 

Well Tuesday March 6th, you’ve been a good one. Penelope, your officially two weeks and two days old.. its also time for your nightly bath. I am proud of our sweet little Pea’s eating, latching and pooping skills. My favourite thing hands down, has been our time together when I'm nursing, nothing makes my heart more happy when I am rubbing her head and kissing her hands. I love you my sweet Pea. 

Your Run-of-the-Mill Sundays in the life of a new Parent

Sunday, 4 March 2018



Sunday mornings have changed a bit around here. We still wake up before 8 am every day of the week, have our morning coffees together and weather permitting Tony spends the rest of the morning fishing for our Sunday dinner. What has changed thou, is our periodic wakeup calls through out the night to breast feed, change or burp our suckling bambino. 
We are parents. 
I think the first week was a bit of a capricious mess, because lets be honest no labour and delivery actually goes according to plan, and neither do those first two weeks of sweet newborn bliss. The first few days you are on auto pilot-a zombie, and basically all your energy goes to keeping your newborn babe alive and well. Your personal provisions become prostrated as your one focus is on providing your baby with the necessities. 
You of course, take the back burner. 
It has taken exactly two weeks for me to feel a familiar since of normality, and to establish my new role as a mother. I am getting the hang of it, and Tony reassuringly said before bed last night “I am proud of you”. Those words meant more to me than I think he thought they would. He was proud of my nurturing nature, and on the go breast feeding tactics. As you become a mother, you become less concerned with indecent exposure and more fixated with feeding your hungry child whenever she needs. Yesterday was the first day I went shopping after giving birth, and figuring out how to navigate feedings and changing while in public was a little stressful. I ultimately ended up walking around nursing Penelope with one arm under my nursing cover, and the other trying on some new Hunter boots. At the time it was the best approach to the situation, but I guess it was rather marvellous how your maternal instincts surface, and probably pretty funny as I walk around refusing to stop shopping to hide in a family room to breast feed. It is 2018 people! If my baby needs to eat, I will whip my boobs out to feed her anywhere, that my friends is parenting in a nut shell.

One Week Postpartum. TMI, The Honest Truth.

Friday, 2 March 2018


It has been a solid week since I gave birth to a beautiful 6 lb baby girl. I did not feel like I had a very normal delivery and was rather very traumatizing.

Day one I was still in a cloudy happy kind of mood. I could not stop starting at her while she slept or ate, and all Tony and I would do is talk about her constantly. I had the usual stuff that comes with a vaginal delivery, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. 

Day two, my body was still in shock and my midwives explained that the next couple days I would start to feel more things happening. Other than being scared to go number two, I was actually feeling great...even down there.

Day three is the worst they say for your emotions. It was also the day my midwife noticed that Baby P was breathing rather fast, and had tested high for some jaundice. She had to be brought in to the NICU to be monitored anywhere from overnight to three days which was really hard on me and Tony being separated from her for that length of time. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck, I'm not sure if it was because I was majorly sleep deprived but I do know being away from my newborn baby was the worst feeling in the world. I had a hard time feeding our baby this night, I didn't have enough milk and she was crying until Tone went out and got some formula. I felt like I failed her, and couldn't give her what she needed to survive. 



Day four, I was so tired and came home to sleep with our baby girl this time. I also started to get some of my feelings back down there! And OH EMM GEE!!! I have never experienced such strong stinging when going pee. It was so bad because my stitches were so close to here I go pee, I literally sat on the toilet going pale and shaking!! I read some forums from mothers with similar problems and they all said that it would be gone in a few days. My milk seems to be coming in more, and with pumping in between the breast feedings every few hours. 



Day five, I dreaded even drinking water because I was terrified to go pee. So I was super thirsty all day.  I came up with a way to use the toilet without it stinging as bad. I used a wet cloth that I could either wash, or throw away. Covered the places where I had stitches, and cut a breast pad for some extra help covering that area. It did help, but so did Tux in the fridge! what a relief that was and I also took like 3 Epson Salt baths and they say its good for dissolving stitches. 

Day six, thats when I could use the bathroom without it stinging, and I felt like maybe I would start to feel so much better by now. My boobs were hurting, and I had to pump more than I ever did before. 
Baby girl is still getting some formula, mostly at night so I can have help feeding her and sleeping in. Penelope sleeps at the most 3-4 hours once a night, and its usually from 3 am to 7 am and I'll take it. 


Day seven, Im feeling amazing besides the soreness because of the stitches healing. I got checked for a UTI because it is very common for new moms to get. I also found lumps under both of my armpits, and the doctor is testing them hoping its not mastitis. 




My Favourite Moments During my very first week of motherhood

Wednesday, 28 February 2018



She's here! I have been MIA (Labour and Delivery story coming soon I promise). I’ve been trying to put words to what I’ve been feeling this past week, let alone make sense of all these emotions I have right now. Being a mommy has completely changed my world, and this entire week and three days that I’ve been Penelope’s mother has been the most magical and oh-so-tiring week and three days of my entire life! 

Penelope, Penny, Princess P, or Sweet Pea…which ever nickname you fancy. 
I can not believe the amount of well wishes, messages and congratulations we have received from everyone! Midland is such a small town and honestly baby girl is famous. I have gotten messages from so many girls who said they’ve been waiting for me to go into labour like Kylie Jenner, and hitting that refresh button! 
(Mama changing Penelope for the first time, and this was her first night at home) 

As I am starting to feel more and more like myself again, its great to have help from my parents or the new "Mama and Deda”. They rushed up from Florida the day I went into labour, and are staying the rest of this week. They are lifesavers and I wish that they would stay forever. Thank goodness for them because I am able to have a semi quick shower, or write a little journal post so I can document our new life. 

(Since she came home we did not let her leave our side, and she spent the first night tucked in right between us. This is our family, we are complete)
 
Some of my favourite moments this past week and three days. 
-Penelope only cries when she’s hungry, needs to be changed, or burped. Other times she just smiles (or passes gas), and watch the world around her.
-She loves to be held, and that does not exclude in the middle of the night either. I wouldn't want it any other way, I love her and love holding her and rocking her to sleep. 
-Ive been sleeping on the couch lately, because it feels more safe when I can cuddle her on the couch and not have to worry about pillows or a big duvet. But, watching that cute little face while she dreams the sweetest dreams makes those long nights worth ever second. 
-She fits newborn clothes now. Ever since she officially is over her birth weight (6lbs 13oz) and now weighs a whopping 8lbs 10oz! Haha she is defiantly my child, and loves to eat just like me! 
-Penelope does skin to skin with me every single day, and with her daddy when he gets home from work. 
-I love the way you watch me when your in your grandmas arms. 
-You smell amazing, that baby smell you have is what I will always love!
-I love the way everyone is so excited to meet Penelope, I get stopped so many times from people who are excited to catch a glimpse of our little princess.  
-This is the week of firsts. Her first nap, her first time breast feeding, her first time drinking formula, her first burp, her first diaper change, and her first bath. 


(Penny's first bath at home, with mama and daddy while I took pictures. We washed off all that yucky hospital smell, and put on some comfy newborn clothes for bed.) 

I cant stop starting at her, and as much as I need sleep I am surprised by how little the human body actually needs to function. I would not in a million years have imagined that I would ever feel so happy in my life. I am obsessed with how much I love her, and how much I love her daddy. We have both wanted this for so long to finally feel complete, and we can now say we are a family. 

(What a beautiful life we now have because of our little Penelope Frances Gibson.)

The BEST pancakes you will ever make!

Thursday, 15 February 2018


It was Pancake Tuesday (never to be known as "just Tuesday" again), and I was having some major cravings for a sweet breakfast treat. I decided I would seek out the best damn pancake recipe I could find and make them all for me!

Well Tony was gone to work, and I've been spending days at home trying hard not to do too much because Im hoping baby girl won't make an early appearance before my 40th week which is on Monday. I have been at home, cleaning and cooking and I LOVE every second of it!!
This recipe is super simple and I originally meant to share this for Valentines day, but we ended up going to dinner instead. 

Me and Tony aren't big on celebrating holidays or anything really, we just never felt the need to since almost everyday were doing something nice for each other. One thing we really love doing, is making a big breakfast together on the weekends and it usually includes hash browns, pancakes, coffee and a source of protein. 






Ingredients: 



1 1/2 cups of all purpose flour 
3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder 
1 teaspoon of salt 
1 tablespoon of white sugar 
1 1/4 cups of milk (we use almond milk) 
1 egg
3 teaspoons of butter, melted. 

optional: 1 teaspoon of vanilla OR any fruit of your choice. 
I have also added cinnamon to the mix and it tastes amazing! 


Directions: 


Mix together all wet ingredients (milk, eggs and melted butter) and whisk together in a small bowl.

In a large bowl add dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, salt and white sugar) by sifting or just mixing with a large spoon. 

Mix together both bowls, I used a whisk. 

I make sure my pan is on medium-high heat, add small drop of oil to a stick-less pan. 

I choose to make 3 small pancakes at a time, but its totally up to you if you like one giant pancake or small ones. 

I pour the batter on the pan and add any additional fruit of your choice. 

Flip when it is golden brown, and your done! 


5 ways to be Healthy, Happy and Stress Free in your Third Trimester

Saturday, 10 February 2018

I know, your at a point where you are exhausted and you really want to not be pregnant. Im sure by now it feels like you’ve been pregnant for what seems like EVER! I don’t blame you, I am currently 38 weeks and 2 days which surprised me. I thought I was only just starting on my 37th week. I felt a whole lotta anxiety after my appointment with my midwife today, knowing that its literally a week and a half until our daughter is born! 

The anxiety, and stress you get while your pregnant not only has a negative affect on you but on your baby as well. It can cause premature births, low-birthweight (anything under 5 1/2 lbs is considered low), and other health problem like heart disease and high blood pressure. So it is in everyones best interest to find a way to manage your stress. There are certain things that I have found that works best for myself (someone who is diagnosed with anxiety and depression). 

  1.  Go workout or get a sweat on!                                                                                                    I know in your third trimester your back is sore, your legs are swollen and you may have no energy to leave your bed let alone do a workout. I have found that getting in at least a 30 minute walk, doing yoga or if your able to do a light training circuit similar to the one i've mentioned here, will make you feel so much less stressed and will pump your body and brain with the “good feeling” chemicals. 
  2. Have some ‘ME’ time!                                                                                                           Which in my world, that means reading, writing or pampering yourself with a nice bath, doing your hair and painting your nails! It is a simple way to DIY at home relaxing spa. I usually add lavender scented bubble bath, epsom salt and light some candles while I pick a relaxing playlist on Spotify or listen to a mommy podcast. 
  3. Eat right!                                                                                                                                       I cant tell you that I have been eating the way I thought I would have this whole pregnancy. I can tell you that I defiantly had a Big Mac from McDonalds this afternoon, but I can also tell you that it made me feel icky. I never feel good after indulging in some bad food, and we all know its bad. I love how I feel when I have my protein shake in the morning, with a homemade meal made with all the protein, complex carbs and good fats that us pregnant ladies need. 
  4. Spend some time with the people you love.                                                                            For me thats my partner, its my most valued time of my whole day. After he’s home from work, we hang out just relax and make dinner. Nothing makes me more happy (until baby girl arrives). Its also my time to vent about all the stuff I’m thinking of lately, worrying about or just excited for.  
  5. Finally, my favourite and most challenging tip. REST!                                                I have been a struggle bus with this lately. It has been so hard for me to get comfortable at night, because I am nearing the end of this pregnancy I have been experiencing early labour symptoms and man they are no joke! My midwives are awesome thou, If Im not getting enough sleep they will help with some pain management so that when the real labour happens I won’t be so exhausted. Nobody likes to be a miserable and sleep deprived pregnant women.
The last bit of my pregnancy has defiantly been the most comfortable, and stress free I've felt during the whole time I've been pregnant. I had gone through so many ups and downs, and during my first trimester I was so stressed out I was starting to get depressed. It wasn't the best time but you learn to work with it. 
xo 

37 Week Update

Monday, 29 January 2018


How far along: 37 Weeks (9 months 1 week)
(*FYI for those of you who don’t know a pregnancy is technically 40 weeks (10 months!) Before I became pregnant I had no idea! I always thought it was 9 months. So my due date is still a few weeks out but really hoping she stays a little longer, but Ive been having dreams she's coming a little early!)
Gender: Girl 
Total weight gain: Like 40 lbs!! The last time I checked I lost 3 lbs thou, but I was working out a lot that week and the heart burn was making it harder to eat as much as I wanted to. 
Maternity clothes: Yes still mixed in with my regular clothes, and sometimes I like to try on pre-baby dresses to see if they still fit. I thought I would be more instagramable when I got pregnant, but hell to the no.. Ive just been living in the same two dresses, braless and all. 
Stretch marks: Not really, maybe a few on my hips but barely! I still moisturize and drink so much water. 
Sleep: Surprisingly pretty good this week. I am still using three different pillows and getting up multiple times to waddle to the bathroom but I think I just must be getting used to it by now. I had a love/hate relationship with the maternity pillow. I thought it was going to be so good, and just started getting neck cramps and back aches from it. 
Miss Anything: Sleeping without having to wake up more than 3 times. Wine. Being able to eat without heartburn, and sleeping on my back! 
Movement: She moves SO MUCH! I love it, and its not just the tiny little flickers of her feet anymore, its full on bum pushing against my tummy. 
Cravings: Mostly fruit, like pineapples and raspberries. Too bad they give me the worst heartburn after or I would be eating it non-stop. 
Symptoms: Im not sure if I have been having Braxton Hicks, I don't think I have. I also think I would know if I feel like I'm having contractions. I have been feeling (sometimes sharp) kicks down there, I don't think she has dropped yet (sometimes called "lightening") but there has been some serious lower movements since last week. 
Belly Button in or out: In, my mom said hers didn't pop out either. 
Mood: Happy, anxious and nervous! Isn't that what all first time moms feel thou? 
Looking forward to: My next midwives appointment, to hear her heartbeat and to hear when they think I will have her. The 8th when I get to see her during the next ultrasound, and hopefully Tony can make it to this one. I feel bad when he's working and I know he wants to be there with me. 
Exercise: Still going to yoga, but I stopped going to Cross Fit. I have been trying to walk as much as possible, and might try to go tomorrow morning if it's nice out. Me and Tony usually try to be outside together during the weekends. 
Nutrition: My eating habits aren't ALWAYS good (tonight we had breakfast for dinner), but Tony has caught several fish this past weekend and that is so good for the developing baby's brain. I have had a high DHA, Omega-3 & Folic Acid diet before and after I got pregnant. 
Favorite moments this week: Feeling her move so much in my belly, but my most favourite is every night when Tony tells her he loves her and rubs my belly, and every morning when we wake up and he kisses the belly and me.
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